I seriously need to see someone or do something about it. This is certainly not the first time that something like this is happening to me and if I don't do something about it, it is certainly not going to be the last. After some terrible days at the end of the last term, I had had a welcome break of three months in which my stay at home, the experiences in Kolkata and of course, the affection of my family had changed my outlook completely...or so I thought.
Today was the first party at campus and ever since the morning, I had the long face ready to greet it. What went wrong? Presumably nothing and yet the long face...the long face that makes people stay away, think twice before coming over. After all, no one wants to be spoken harshly to or be dismissed by a disinterested attitude. No one can understand why I am the life of the party one instant and an unsufferable bore the very next...and why should anyone make the effort to understand...when I can not understand it myself.
All this again brings me back to so many other things...who are my friends and who are the acquaintances, what do I expect of my friends and why do I expect anything at all? What am I cribbing for and why? What will I achieve by writing all this on the blog? Why am I changing my blog yet again from completely public (meant to be read by others) to something so personal (meant to act as a private outlet of feelings...a cleanser)? Why am I insecure (despite the apparent confidence that I so unabashedly display)? Why can't I pin point the reason for my problems? Why is the tension eating me up from the inside? Why is the positive accumulated over the last three months depleting so fast?
Why am I such a kid...such a loser?
Posted at 04:25 am by Nitai
|Prashant Kumar |
June 28, 2005 12:58 AM PDT
i dont know what is going through my mind as i write this comment. or even why i am writing this. gives me a terrible feeling that i am trespassing into forbidden space. still i amble ahead coz it seems like familiar trajectory to me. countless times similar thoughts have hit my mind like a tsunami and left me in ditto lost state. expectations are highly demanding monsters, and the hardest lesson i have learnt tells me to do away with them. ah, the mind will not listen, na!! now i find solace in the truth that you are what you are. accept it at that. why should i be like others, be ever happy, ever smiling, making everyone happy always, meeting everyone's expectations?? and on the same vein why should i expect someone to be or act in a particular way just bcoz i think so or thats how i would behave. tough task, i know coz i havent had much success, but it does feel better not to expect anything from anyone.
too long a sermon. maybe too far-fetched for you. maybe i am even riding piggyback expressing my feelings through your blog. so, say cheeeeeeeze :-)
June 28, 2005 04:56 AM PDT
June 28, 2005 05:02 AM PDT
shut up !
June 30, 2005 06:04 PM PDT
Same feelings here .. If u understand , let me know
July 1, 2005 03:22 AM PDT
I have given up, bhai!
July 7, 2005 11:31 PM PDT
That's something every1 goes thru. Once we come out of such a state we always feel as if we have taken a new birth, such sort of things will never happen again. But that doesn't happen. 1 fine day all of a sudden........the long face appears again. At such a time I've found out that only 1 thing works - an attempt to cure some1 else's "long face" syndrome. Try it out nxt time.